I definitely don’t have some sort of attention deficit disorder. I just skip the last four seconds of silence at the end of every song and have to scroll through Twitter for the ten seconds I’m urinating. Totally normal.
Today I discovered that cucumber and red cabbage is a far better burger topping than lettuce and tomato.
Honestly I can’t believe how nice red cabbage is.
Some people are connoisseurs of fine wine. Others are connoisseurs of luxury watches. Myself? I’m a connoisseur of frozen pizzas that can be purchased in British supermarkets for less than £2.
Whenever I hear the phrase ‘corporate retreat’ all I can picture is the staff of two rival printer ink companies having a fight in a car park and one of them is losing and having to retreat for higher ground.
The ‘personal life’ section of actress Miranda Richardson’s Wikipedia page is fantastic. This woman is Oscar-nominated and was in both Blackadder and Harry Potter! https://t.co/D5yRFVc1rj
Intimated by Joe Pesci? Well here he is fully bearded at the 1993 Oscars looking like a Brooklyn Hipster. I have released you from your fear. You’re welcome. https://t.co/3aQpo3AyXy
Whenever I click on a trending topic on Twitter do you know what they show me? Tweets talking about the fact that the topic is trending, often with a reaction GIF attached. This is not very useful.
Most of the time when someone asks what my opinion is on something I realise I’ve got no idea. At which point I have about half a second to distill years worth of vague thoughts on the subject, process some gut feelings, try not to break any cultural taboos and then package it.
I’m really going to work on my drinking in 2021. I’m not lowering my intake or anything (perish the thought). I’m just going to stop swilling the booze around so much in mouth and swallow it faster. This will lower my chance of mouth cancer. #healthyAF
UK Dog Shelters: 14 years old, requires a human-free environment, a 457 acre fenced garden, needs walking five times a day, suffers from separation anxiety, and can’t be around other pets (or bacteria).
US Dog Shelters: Take the dog. If not it will be euthanized on Friday. Thx.
Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham died at the age of 32. Despite this it is impossible to find a photo of him where he looks younger than 40. https://t.co/dZ7pRV1FqP
In the film “About A Boy” Hugh Grant says November 19th is six weeks before Christmas. It is in fact five weeks before. This has always bugged me. Happy new year everyone.
Today I discovered that Shropshire Blue cheese tastes exactly like what urinal cakes smells like and that Charles Lafitte champagne tastes a bit like piss. It’s been a very urine day for me.
Any reader of history will tell you that plagues seem to be decade long affairs and influenza-like diseases seem to be two year ones. I really hope COVID-19 is the later.
I’ve booked my first concert since #COVID19 began. It’s 11 months away, outdoors and with a crowd of less than 1000 people. And if it’s still cancelled or too risky to attend due to COVID-19 I might as well end it all right now and jump off a bridge. 1666 in perpetuity is misery.