My testicles when I get in a cold pool. https://t.co/5302nxyZAF
My testicles when I get in a cold pool. https://t.co/5302nxyZAF
Posts tagged with "Tweet"
I’m playing a FPS game and it said “You have been assigned to the Latvian Empire based on skill.” I’m...
I’m playing a FPS game and it said “You have been assigned to the Latvian Empire based on skill.” I’m pretty sure the Latvians never had such a thing. I think I might be bad at this game :(
I definitely don’t have some sort of attention deficit disorder. I just skip the last four seconds of silence at...
I definitely don’t have some sort of attention deficit disorder. I just skip the last four seconds of silence at the end of every song and have to scroll through Twitter for the ten seconds I’m urinating. Totally normal.
Today I discovered that cucumber and red cabbage is a far better burger topping than lettuce and tomato. Honestly I...
Today I discovered that cucumber and red cabbage is a far better burger topping than lettuce and tomato.
Honestly I can’t believe how nice red cabbage is.
Me when I go on a celebrities Wikipedia page and there is a 'controversies' section. https://t.co/n4DqBM1ehT
Me when I go on a celebrities Wikipedia page and there is a ‘controversies’ section. https://t.co/n4DqBM1ehT
I love stumbling on a webpage and seeing 'Copyright © 1998' at the bottom. I feel like Indiana Jones 2.0....
I love stumbling on a webpage and seeing “Copyright © 1998” at the bottom. I feel like Indiana Jones 2.0. https://t.co/r7whjYGzAS
I feel like I have an alarmingly close emotional bond with my shower sponge. Same with the bottom right hob...
I feel like I have an alarmingly close emotional bond with my shower sponge.
Same with the bottom right hob on my cooker. It never lets me down.
Some people are connoisseurs of fine wine. Others are connoisseurs of luxury watches. Myself? I'm a connoisseur of frozen pizzas...
Some people are connoisseurs of fine wine. Others are connoisseurs of luxury watches. Myself? I’m a connoisseur of frozen pizzas that can be purchased in British supermarkets for less than £2.
You think you understand the world and then you find out Guinness has less calories than Budweiser and you realise...
You think you understand the world and then you find out Guinness has less calories than Budweiser and you realise you know nothing.
Whenever I hear the phrase ‘corporate retreat’ all I can picture is the staff of two rival printer ink companies...
Whenever I hear the phrase ‘corporate retreat’ all I can picture is the staff of two rival printer ink companies having a fight in a car park and one of them is losing and having to retreat for higher ground.
“Say ‘hi’ to the camera” is a phrase lost to the sands of time. May it rest in peace.
“Say ‘hi’ to the camera” is a phrase lost to the sands of time. May it rest in peace.
The 'personal life' section of actress Miranda Richardson's Wikipedia page is fantastic. This woman is Oscar-nominated and was in both...
The ‘personal life’ section of actress Miranda Richardson’s Wikipedia page is fantastic. This woman is Oscar-nominated and was in both Blackadder and Harry Potter! https://t.co/D5yRFVc1rj
Intimated by Joe Pesci? Well here he is fully bearded at the 1993 Oscars looking like a Brooklyn Hipster. I...
Intimated by Joe Pesci? Well here he is fully bearded at the 1993 Oscars looking like a Brooklyn Hipster. I have released you from your fear. You’re welcome. https://t.co/3aQpo3AyXy
Can you be allergic to existence?
Can you be allergic to existence?
Whenever I click on a trending topic on Twitter do you know what they show me? Tweets talking about the...
Whenever I click on a trending topic on Twitter do you know what they show me? Tweets talking about the fact that the topic is trending, often with a reaction GIF attached. This is not very useful.
Why do so many brand new born babies have dry skin?! You've been in a moist womb for 9 months....
Why do so many brand new born babies have dry skin?! You’ve been in a moist womb for 9 months. How on earth have you developed a dry skin condition?
Most of the time when someone asks what my opinion is on something I realise I’ve got no idea. At...
Most of the time when someone asks what my opinion is on something I realise I’ve got no idea. At which point I have about half a second to distill years worth of vague thoughts on the subject, process some gut feelings, try not to break any cultural taboos and then package it.
I'm really going to work on my drinking in 2021. I'm not lowering my intake or anything (perish the thought)....
I’m really going to work on my drinking in 2021. I’m not lowering my intake or anything (perish the thought). I’m just going to stop swilling the booze around so much in mouth and swallow it faster. This will lower my chance of mouth cancer. #healthyAF
2021 has started with a bang! (I banged my foot on the lounge coffee table)
2021 has started with a bang! (I banged my foot on the lounge coffee table)
UK Dog Shelters: 14 years old, requires a human-free environment, a 457 acre fenced garden, needs walking five times a...
UK Dog Shelters: 14 years old, requires a human-free environment, a 457 acre fenced garden, needs walking five times a day, suffers from separation anxiety, and can’t be around other pets (or bacteria).
US Dog Shelters: Take the dog. If not it will be euthanized on Friday. Thx.
Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham died at the age of 32. Despite this it is impossible to find a photo...
Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham died at the age of 32. Despite this it is impossible to find a photo of him where he looks younger than 40. https://t.co/dZ7pRV1FqP
In the film “About A Boy” Hugh Grant says November 19th is six weeks before Christmas. It is in fact...
In the film “About A Boy” Hugh Grant says November 19th is six weeks before Christmas. It is in fact five weeks before. This has always bugged me. Happy new year everyone.
Time for my annual drunken rewatching of 'Withnail & I'. https://t.co/mQqxtW06LI
Time for my annual drunken rewatching of “Withnail & I”. https://t.co/mQqxtW06LI
Merry Christmas everyone. I am dressed as the COVID-19 final boss. https://t.co/MD3FJjtkkp
Merry Christmas everyone. I am dressed as the COVID-19 final boss. https://t.co/MD3FJjtkkp
Today I discovered that Shropshire Blue cheese tastes exactly like what urinal cakes smells like and that Charles Lafitte champagne...
Today I discovered that Shropshire Blue cheese tastes exactly like what urinal cakes smells like and that Charles Lafitte champagne tastes a bit like piss. It’s been a very urine day for me.
From today’s walk. https://t.co/SKAD63AHhy
From today’s walk. https://t.co/SKAD63AHhy
What sort of person would freely become a member of a frat called the 'Grand Order of Water Rats'? https://t.co/w8cspT0RKp
What sort of person would freely become a member of a frat called the “Grand Order of Water Rats”? https://t.co/w8cspT0RKp
I swear I haven't seen a 5p coin in over a decade now. Are those miniscule mofos still even in...
I swear I haven’t seen a 5p coin in over a decade now. Are those miniscule mofos still even in circulation?!
https://t.co/YOnMfwTTD3
https://t.co/YOnMfwTTD3
'The Clowes Effect': The name given to the inevitable -2% drop in value of an equity after Elliot Clowes invests...
“The Clowes Effect”: The name given to the inevitable -2% drop in value of an equity after Elliot Clowes invests in it.